When Change Makes You Anxious AF: Coping through life transitions
We all experience pretty significant waves of transition & adjustments throughout life, whether we ask for them or not. Many of these changes - like starting a family, embarking on a new career path, moving to a new city, breaking up with a partner, starting a new romantic relationship, etc. can be really positive (even if it doesn’t always feel like it), but can leave us feeling anxious and overwhelmed as we navigate a new beginning and “starting over” in a sense.
Change is disruptive; humans tend to like routine, comfort, and stability. This is why we can be so resistant to change, even when we know change is good for us and will help us grow and achieve our goals. Change can also bring a lot of emotions to the surface, and can activate some thoughts or experiences we thought had been dealt with and resolved. This is completely natural - as we’re faced with a new set of challenges, it’s not uncommon to regress and fall back into unhealthy thoughts or behaviors (because at one point in time these may have felt very familiar, and therefor comfortable).
Transitions can also make us acutely aware of how little we truly have control over in life. This can bring on a range of existential worries and questions. Our brains are wired to have “complete stories”, so it can be really uncomfortable to not know how something might play out, and to wrestle with the uncertainty that exists not only in this experience, but other experiences to come. Change can be especially hard when we didn’t want or ask for it.
If you’re navigating a big life transition right now that’s causing you to feel overwhelmed and anxious, I’ve listed out a few tips below that you can practice to support yourself through the adjustment process.
First, I’ll review the stages of change so that you can better understand what stage of change you might currently be in. The stages of change can help normalize the process of change and give insight into why you might be feeling resistant to a change or second guessing yourself. This concept is often used when working with addiction, but I’ve found it can apply to many different circumstances, and that we all go through these stages in some form.
Stages of change —
Pre-contemplation - this is the stage of denial. In this stage, you do not believe anything needs to change. Loved ones might be encouraging you to make a change, but you are rejecting the idea of change. Ex: “My friends think it’s time I leave my relationship, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with my relationship.” or “I hate my job, but it allows me the financial freedom to do what I want - there’s no way I will ever leave!”.
Contemplation - in this stage, you begin to acknowledge that something needs to change, but you are not yet ready to make that change. Ex: “I understand why my friends want me to leave my relationship. It’s toxic and unstable. But I’m not ready to let go of him/her yet”. or “My job is making me miserable, I can’t go on like this. I’m just worried I won’t find anything else that matches this salary”.
Preparation - you start to prepare with how you’ll go about making the change. Ex: you start looking for therapists to get support around navigating the situation, you start thinking about how you might go about having the conversation to break up with your partner, you start searching for other jobs. You are preparing to take action.
Action - this is the stage of change where you are taking action to make the change. Ex: you are in therapy, you are ending the relationship, you are applying and/or interviewing for other jobs.
Maintenance - you are maintaining the change/doing what you need to do to stick with the change. Ex: you continue therapy for ongoing self-improvement and reflection, you are implementing better boundaries at your new job, you are sticking to the “no contact” rule with your ex.
It’s not uncommon for most people to go back and forth between different stages of change - this isn’t a linear process. Which is why it’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate life transitions and changes, and to have ongoing support throughout the process. Sometimes it’s important to just remind ourselves WHY we are making the change to begin with (if it’s something that is within our control). This reminder can often get us back into the stage of “action” or “preparation”.
Now that you have an understanding of the stages of change, here are some coping tools for navigating change:
Focus on changing your relationship to the anxiety associated with change
When we feel a heightened sense of anxiety, our brain is picking up on a perceived threat. Because change can often mean leaving something else behind, it can feel risky. When we feel anxious, we tend to believe that this means we’re making the wrong decision.
Practicing acceptance around our emotions can allow us to better tolerate our feelings, as well as shift our relationship to the emotions. Allow yourself to feel anxious rather than try to escape or deny the emotion. Practice self-soothing skills that will help bring the intensity of the emotion down (such as journaling, taking a walk, yoga, etc.). This will give you a sense of empowerment as you focus on what you can control, rather than on what you can’t. Remind yourself that just because you feel anxious, that doesn’t mean that there is real danger or a significant threat.
When it comes to positive change and growth, anxiety likely means you are doing something that is uncomfortable and scary because it is new and different. And that is actually a good thing! It means you are leaning into the discomfort that comes from trying something new, which takes courage.
Shift your perspective
You can start with making a list of your 5-10 core values. Reminding ourselves of our values can be incredibly helpful to shift our perspective from one of fear to one of empowerment. You might be navigating change because of a decision you made based on your core values - which means this choice is based on what is most important to you and rooted in your authenticity. In order to live a meaningful and quality life, we will have to make some decisions that are hard and feel vulnerable. By reassuring yourself that this decision was based on your core values, you validate that this decision is in alignment with you.
This can also include visualizing how you want to feel in the future. For example, if you’re feeling terrified about the idea of starting a family, but you know that this is a dream of yours, you can visualize what it might feel like to hold your child, or the fulfillment that might come from raising a child. This shouldn’t invalidate your anxiety about the situation, but rather allow room for all of the emotions that come with a big life change.
Practice radical acceptance for anxious feelings
Radical acceptance is a (DBT) skill for a reason, and it does not come naturally for most of us. With radical acceptance, we are able to let go of what we can not control and use our energy more wisely. When we radically accept the present moment for what it is, we are not resisting or denying our thoughts, emotions, or urges. We are just allowing them to be - and there is so much peace that comes from this act of surrendering. The idea of radical acceptance is not to take a passive approach to life, but rather to feel more empowered by channeling our energy into what we can control.
Radical acceptance also encourages us to trust that we will find our way through the discomfort and make it to the other side. We don’t have to change the present moment because we can accept reality for what it is.
When we can tolerate distress by sitting with our discomfort and anxiety, we strengthen our resiliency. This can also be an opportunity to remind yourself that you do NOT have to have all the answers right now - many of those answers will come with time.
Use your support system
Our support system is crucial during periods of heightened anxiety and transitions. Our loved ones can be especially helpful for genuine care and support when we need it, as well as an important reminder that we are not alone in our challenges. It can also be incredibly valuable to seek out therapy during this time.
Life transitions are hard, but they don’t always have to be as hard as we make them. By knowing what we need to support ourselves through change, we can move through these transitions with intentionality. And when we experience setbacks or become reactive out of anxiety or fear, we can make adjustments along the way to better support ourselves through change.
>> If you are looking for a therapist, feel free to reach out if you think we’d be a good fit. I am currently accepting new clients in Texas and Florida, and specialize in young professional women navigating anxiety, relationship struggles, and life transitions.
