Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships
If you’ve found yourself in consistent patterns of feeling a lot of anxiety in your relationships, you might be wondering why this is the case. Or maybe you’ve started to see attachment theory all over your “For You” page, and you feel like you resonate quite a bit with anxious attachment. Attachment styles — particularly anxious and avoidant — have definitely become buzzwords in the media over the last few years, so you may be somewhat familiar with the concept of anxious attachment.
But what does it really mean for someone to have an anxious attachment style?
Because I primarily work with anxious women navigating relationship struggles, I tend to work with a lot of women who lean towards anxious attachment. Some of my clients already know they have an anxious attachment style before starting therapy (thank you, TikTok), but many of them become aware of their attachment style during our time working together — specifically as we address their relationship patterns, family history, and childhood experiences.
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you might notice having the following traits in your relationships:
over-functioning, over-adapting, over-accommodating in your relationships
neglecting your own needs for the sake of someone else’s needs
tendency to lose or neglect yourself in relationships: you feel what others feel, you want what others want
self-doubt and overthinking/over-analyzing what you did or said
difficulty setting boundaries in relationships
difficulty being alone
feeling resentful in your relationships
fear of abandonment/paralyzing fear of losing the relationship
If most of these traits resonate with you, I would definitely recommend looking further into attachment theory. A great starting point is reading the book “Attached” by Amir Levine, which is an introduction to the three most common attachment styles — secure, anxious, and avoidant. I also want to make a point that attachment styles are a completely natural adaptation to how you have experienced relationships in the past. Your attachment style is not something to be pathologized, but rather insight for you to understand how your past relationships have impacted you, and for you to recognize what your needs are in relationships. This awareness can also be beneficial for you to know what types of relationships will allow you to be the healthiest version of yourself.
Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style
Knowing your attachment style is also a great opportunity for you to address unresolved experiences from your childhood (which, let’s be real, most of us have!). When it comes to anxious attachment, it’s pretty typical for there to be a history of relationships that were inconsistent and/or chaotic throughout childhood. This could look like a parent being emotionally present one day and emotionally unavailable the next (like a parent that struggles with depression, unresolved trauma, addiction, etc). When a child grows up with a loved one who struggles with addiction or mental health issues, it’s not uncommon for that child to develop an insecure (and often anxious) attachment style. Addiction and mental health issues don’t just affect the person who’s struggling — it affects the entire family system.
So when we have a parent, caregiver, or lover who is inconsistent with their love and attention to us, this creates a lot of instability (and anxiety) around our attachment needs. We feel anxiety in our relationships because of the underlying fear of abandonment that the inconsistency creates. The message that has been engrained in us is: they are here now, but where will they be tomorrow? (whether physically or emotionally). This also makes it really difficult to actually receive their love and affection when they are present, because naturally, we’re still in that heightened state of anxiety due to the distrust this dynamic has created. There can’t be emotional safety without consistency.
When this happens at such an early age, we typically don’t even realize how unhealthy this is (because it’s all we know!). We are taught how to be in relationships by what we experience early on in relationships. Unconsciously, we’ll recreate familiar patterns into adulthood if we don’t become aware of the dysfunction that’s happened throughout our lives. We must also use that awareness to make intentional choices and change relationship patterns.
While anxious attachment can usually be tied back to childhood, it’s also possible to develop an anxious attachment style later on in life. If you experience betrayal or inconsistency with a partner (who is now your primary attachment figure, rather than your parents), you might then notice the anxiety and fear of abandonment translating into your relationships later on.
Also, just because you feel anxious in one relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you have an anxious attachment style. Your anxiety might just be a response to your needs not being met in the present day, and it’s important to take the context into account. A good example of this is in the early stages of dating, where most people feel a heightened level of anxiety due to the uncertainty, spontaneity, and excitement that comes with dating someone new (such an exhilarating time with all of that dopamine firing off). You also might feel incredibly anxious if you begin dating someone who has an avoidant attachment style. But experiencing anxiety in a relationship, or with dating, doesn’t automatically mean you have an anxious attachment style. A lack of stability in a relationship will elicit anxiety in even the most secure people. Sometimes, it’s the relationship that’s the problem - not your attachment style.
I want to make the point again that this is all natural. It’s important to note that attachment styles are fluid and can change over time. This is great to know because it means we are capable of healing from the past and that we can develop a secure attachment style in adulthood — it’s just about doing the work that it takes to get there.
Healing your Anxious Attachment Style
We can’t heal what we aren’t yet aware of, so developing awareness around how your past relationships have impacted you is crucial, and a significant first step towards change. However, awareness is not enough in itself to create lasting change. In order to truly develop healthier relationships, you have to address the relationship you have with yourself, which includes showing up for yourself by implementing healthy communication skills, setting boundaries, processing the past, and having corrective experiences in relationships (which is often what happens in the therapist/client relationship). When we have corrective, healing relationships, our nervous system starts to get a sense of what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. (This is also when some of the most fulfilling therapeutic work happens, IMO :)). This starts with choosing people who are emotionally safe. This means establishing relationships (platonic and/or romantic) where we feel safe to show up authentically. When we’re able to show up as our true selves, we’re better equipped to lean into the vulnerability that comes with being more direct/assertive with our needs and sharing openly about how we feel. This then gives us the opportunity to receive empathy, understanding, and validation in return.
When it comes to situations where you can’t choose emotionally safe people (as is often the case when it comes to emotionally immature parents), it’s about focusing on what is within your control. This can look like managing your expectations, knowing what your boundaries need to be to protect your inner-peace, and establishing a healthy distance from these loved ones. However, I highly recommend that your family of choice (partner & friends) are emotionally safe and respectful people — this will drastically improve the quality of your life and make for a much stronger foundation.
No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect, but we’re not striving for perfection. It takes time to create new relational patterns as we step into the unfamiliar — but that discomfort is where our growth and healing lies. :)
Online Therapy Services in Houston and throughout Texas
If you are struggling with anxiety in your relationships or dating, therapy can help. Feel free to explore my website to see if we might be a good fit to work together. My approach is trauma-informed, person-centered, and grounded in humanistic and existential philosophy. I work with young professional women navigating anxiety, relationship struggles, and life transitions.
Please note: this blog post is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for mental health therapy.
