How Perfectionism is Correlated With Anxiety & Depression
Perfectionism is something that many of us struggle with, and some of us don’t even realize when we are operating from a place of perfectionism. Perfectionism can cause anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and overall dissatisfaction in every day life. Many people fall into the trap of perfectionism at a very young age, as they internalize messages that their worth is tied to their performance (this often happens when praise, love, or affection were mainly given based on their achievements or accomplishments). Perfectionism can be highly rewarded in our society, families, and work culture because perfectionism can often cause us to produce desirable outcomes — like being the highest achieving student, becoming financially successful, or being seen as an outstanding employee who always goes above and beyond. But the downfall is that perfectionism can actually make us feel pretty awful internally, and can cause us to fall into endless cycles of feeling anxious, depressed, and unworthy.
The Origin of Perfectionism
If you are a high-achieving adult, you have likely dealt with perfectionism at some point in your life (or are still dealing with it today). Working with high-functioning professionals, I see a lot of people who have actually been very successful in their careers because of their perfectionism (and then wonder why they feel so unhappy or unsatisfied when they have been so successful). Externally, it looks like they “have it all” or have life all figured out. But many of these people are actually incredibly unhappy. It can be hard to understand why you might feel depressed when you have accomplished everything in life that you were “supposed to do”. This can lead to a pattern of never feeling good enough, and constantly working on improving or focusing on producing more outcomes and achievements. This is often tied to an unconscious belief that if you can be perfect or have the “perfect life”, you will be happy (or at least be protected from rejection). This can cause people to continuously chase goals or gain more (status, money, power), and then wonder why they are not happy as they imagined they would be when they get there.
Despite what many people think, perfectionism is not striving to be the best version of yourself. Perfectionism is working towards an unrealistic, unattainable, “ideal” image of yourself as a form of protection. The idea behind perfectionism is — “if I can be the perfect mom/employee/student/friend/etc” then I can protect myself from being hurt, rejected, or vulnerable.” Because you can’t be judged or rejected if you are perfect.
Perfectionism can also stem from a mindset of scarcity, meaning that there is a belief that if we overwork and over-function, then we won’t be vulnerable to unfortunate life circumstances (like losing a job, partner, etc). This can be your brains attempt to protect you in a way — if you imagine the worst case scenario, then over-functioning can keep you prepared in a sense or keep that bad thing from potentially happening. Sometimes this might be the case, but this often causes unnecessary suffering and anxiety, and constantly takes us out of the present moment.
The Downward Spiral of Perfectionism — Anxiety & Depression
What perfectionism lacks is self-compassion, acceptance for who we are, and acceptance of the present moment. There is this idea that we should always be working towards something more, or keep up with this “ideal image” we have created for ourselves. This constantly takes us out of the present moment. And when we inevitably don’t reach the unrealistic expectations we’ve set for ourselves, we feel ashamed and defective in some way. The unconscious core belief comes up that because we are not perfect, we must be a failure. These thoughts often cause a downward spiral of anxiety and depression as we feel unworthy or unloveable. And therefor we begin the cycle of perfectionism again - to prove to ourselves (and others) that we actually are good enough. This cycle is rooted in shame.
Overcoming Perfectionism to Ease Anxiety & Depression
If you are aware that your perfectionism exists, you can work towards overcoming your perfectionism. As you overcome perfectionism, you will likely experience relief from your anxiety and depression, as perfectionism is so often correlated to these feelings.
When challenging your perfectionism, it’s important to be mindful of your inner-critic. When you notice certain (familiar) behaviors of over-working or over-functioning, try to understand the intention behind that behavior. Begin to ask yourself why you are doing what you doing, and where the unhealthy or excessive behavior might be stemming from.
When you notice your inner-critic and perfectionism surfacing, have compassion for yourself as you acknowledge that this behavior is stemming from past wounds. The feelings and inner-dialogue that are activated in this state likely indicate what needs to be processed and worked through.
There is often a fear that if we let go of perfectionism, we won’t be as successful in life or in our careers, or we become vulnerable to bad things happening to us. But this is not the case. When we overcome perfectionism, we learn how to be more compassionate with ourselves. Studies have shown that self-compassion is correlated with resiliency, and that people who regularly practice self-compassion are able to turn life’s obstacles into meaningful lessons, therefor better tolerating difficult life circumstances. You can overcome perfectionism and still be successful. And you don’t have to operate in a mindset of perfectionism to be safe. When you are operating from a place of compassion rather than criticism, you will likely feel much more peace within.
Your worth is not tied to your performance. Your worth is based on who you are.
>> If you have been struggling with anxiety and perfectionism, therapy can help. An anxiety therapist can assist you with examining where your critical thought patterns stem from, and work towards changing your unhelpful thoughts to help you feel better. If you are looking for a therapist in Houston or anywhere in Texas, I am currently accepting new clients. You can book a free 15 minute consultation with me through my contact page.
