When Friendships Change (& How to Navigate New Boundaries)
Our mental health and well-being is strongly correlated with who we spend time with and how connected we feel in our relationships. One of the hardest parts of early adulthood is recognizing how friendships will start to change through different phases of life. This is a topic that actually comes up quite frequently in therapy, and can cause a mixture of emotions including anxiety, sadness, and grief.
During high school and college years, we can become pretty enmeshed with certain friend groups because of similar interests and close proximity. When we spend time with people almost every day, we inevitably find ourselves emotionally close to them because they play a pretty significant role in our lives. As we emerge into adulthood, progress in our careers, develop new romantic interests, start families, etc. it can be a harsh realization when friendship dynamics change. It is not uncommon to begin to experience periods of emotional distance with certain friend groups, or even end some friendships altogether.
A natural part of growth is discovering new versions of yourself over time. So many people find that when they heal, evolve, or continue down a path of self-discovery, there are people, activities, and other things in life that don’t fit into their lives as seamlessly as they did before. There are also times where we still want to keep a friendship alive, but we notice a need to love them from a bit of distance.
This can also be a time where we start to implement new boundaries that allow us to feel healthier in certain relationships. As you navigate boundaries with friends, you also might experience a sense of loss for what the relationship once was (and this is completely normal). The ebb and flow, or change, of friendships and relationships throughout life is something we all will experience.
You might find yourself wanting distance from friends when:
You are on very different paths in life. Friendships can change when you find yourself focusing on different aspirations and visions in life. This isn’t to say either vision is wrong, but it can be hard to connect with each other when your paths don’t feel as aligned as they once did. Prioritizing different goals and visions can also indicate a difference in core values.
You realize your values differ. It can be hard to find common ground or have meaningful, quality conversations with people who have significantly different core values as you. I do believe it can be beneficial to get a different perspective around some ideas, and hear about different interests than our own, but if you find yourself leaning in a completely different direction of core values, it might feel hard to sustain a deep connection with some friends.
You realize the friendship is superficial. I see this a lot with people who were close knit with someone in college or early adulthood, and they had something around that time period that was keeping them close friends (partying, dating, studying, etc). As your interests change, you might find that you no longer have mutual interests with this friend. You might begin to realize the only thing you have in common with them is your shared history.
You feel depleted more than restored after spending time with this friend. If you find yourself feeling the weight of negative energy after spending time with a friend, this might indicate that the time spent with them doesn’t really add as much value to your life anymore. You might notice feeling this way around a friend who solely gossips for conversation, or tends to focus on “the negative” when you spend time with them.
They continue to make life choices that are just hard to hear about. There will be friends who consistently make choices that you disagree with. This can definitely be something that is hard to make peace with (and certainly requires some boundaries). This might be a friend who often comes to you for advice, only to end up rejecting your feedback and continuing the same patterns. This can start to feel quite draining as you are pulled into their unhealthy patterns.
Rather than trying to change this friend, it’s likely healthier to accept their choices and implement a boundary with them (i.e. if they constantly vent about their unhealthy relationship, you can let them know it’s hard for you to hear about when they aren’t making any changes for themselves).
Implementing Boundaries with Friends
If you have friends who meet some of the above criteria, it might be helpful to consider what boundaries could be beneficial to have in place. Boundaries can allow you to continue having a relationship with them while protecting your energy and inner-peace (and allow more space for new friendships to flourish).
Explicit boundaries. An explicit boundary is a direct form of communication. This is when you directly address whatever it is that’s bothering you. An example of this could be — “Hey, I know I’ve been your go-to friend when venting about your relationship, but I’m starting to notice that it puts me in an awkward position. I want the best for you, and it’s hard to hear about this when there aren’t any changes being made. I think it’d be healthier for me to not hear about it anymore”. This is explicitly stating how it makes you feel, and what you need based on how you feel. You can tailor this approach to better match your style of communication.
Implicit boundaries. Implicit boundaries are more indirect but can also be very effective. Implicit boundaries are more about how you act, rather than what you say. If your friend is used to you being available 24/7, an implicit boundary could be backing off and not answering their texts immediately. It could also be enjoying the time you spend with a friend, but being more selective with the information you share with them as you acknowledge they aren’t able to provide you with the type of support you need.
Navigating new boundaries in existing friendships can be challenging (and unfamiliar), but it is often key to being able to maintain certain friendships through different phases of life. When you are intentional with boundaries and how you spend your time, you are preserving your energy and making space for what is aligned with your growth and values.
>> If you’re finding it challenging to navigate life transitions and relationships in adulthood, therapy can help. A therapist that specializes in interpersonal relationships and existential psychotherapy can support you through changes that come with early adulthood. You can book a free 15 minute consultation with me here for online therapy in Houston or anywhere in Texas.
