7 Tips for Modern Dating in Houston
Dating in today’s modern world can bring on a variety of different challenges — especially in a city like Houston with so many single, young professionals on the dating apps. Navigating the nuances of the online dating can certainly be a rollercoaster riddled with anxiety and disappointment. Not to mention the investment of time, energy, and resources spent putting yourself out there. Swipe culture has made it easier than ever to meet new people and connect with others, but the downside is that it can actually leave you feeling even more disconnected than before if you aren’t mindful with dating habits. This is where dating intentionally comes in.
It can be easy to get carried away when you finally do “click” with someone, only to feel let down after they end up being avoidant or gamey. Feeling burnt out and discouraged after a while seems inevitable in today’s hook up/swipe culture. If you’re new to the dating scene, or wondering how you can be more intentional to attract the right partner, I hope these tips are helpful for dating with intention so that your time is well spent throughout the process.
1. Know your core values
Knowing your core values is really important to understand what you are looking for in a partner. Many people haven’t really taken the time to understand what their core values are, so they end up just looking for someone they feel chemistry with. But we know that chemistry is not enough in itself if you are looking for a life partner. If you’re looking for a life partner or a long-term relationship, knowing your values is going to help you identify what is most important to you in a partner (and be able to recognize when that person comes around// weed out people who don’t fit). I recommend googling “values” and looking at a list to get an idea of what resonates with you. After looking through the list of values, make your own list of your top 5-10 core values (you can write it down in a journal or keep it on your phone). Examples of a few values are: respect, communication, boundaries, adventure, ambition, family-oriented, positive, etc. Anything that is important to you and is a priority can go on this list.
Once you’ve taken the time to identify your core values, it’s important to not just look for a person with these values, but to also embody these values yourself. You are more likely to attract this type of person if you are prioritizing and living a life that is aligned with these core values as well.
2. Character > Chemistry
Chemistry is what makes us feel like we “click” with someone we meet. Chemistry can be a combination of physical/sexual attraction to someone, and having those “butterflies” that cause us to feel excited or anxious around this person. Chemistry is great, and it produces feel-good hormones in our brain that make us want more of this person. But while chemistry IS important, it should not be the only factor to take into consideration when looking for your person.
Holding your values in mind while dating can help you maintain a logical perspective when meeting new people (Are they reliable and consistent? Are they kind and respectful? Are they self-aware and humble?). Even if you feel that strong chemistry with someone, try to maintain perspective and look at who they really might be. It’s important to be mindful of the fact that even though you might really like this person, you don’t really know them yet.
It’s also important to be aware of how your childhood experiences and past relationships may influence how your nervous system responds to certain people. Certain personalities or traits in others may tend to elicit certain feelings in you. Sometimes chemistry can feel intoxicating because it causes a high level of anxiety, but in reality this might actually be a red flag. If you find yourself in a pattern of high highs followed by low lows with someone, I encourage you to examine the dynamic to see what’s really going on. If you’re spending your time and energy on someone, you want to be sure the energy is going to be reciprocated in a way that actually feels good.
In the early stages of dating, you both have been putting on a front and maintaining the best image of yourself (which is natural). Character can often be revealed when people don’t get what they want - when they are upset, angry, hurt, afraid, etc. Sometimes this takes time (dating someone for several weeks or months), but sometimes there are those cues (yellow or red flags) we can pick up on within the first few dates if we are self-aware, attuned, and dating intentionally.
Which leads me to my next point…
3. Be mindful of your alcohol consumption on dates
It can be tempting to over-consume alcohol when dating, especially if you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time. While there is nothing wrong with indulging every now and then, you are much more likely to overlook red flags if you have been consuming alcohol. When we drink alcohol, we are much more likely to compromise our values, boundaries, or needs. This is because the logical part of our brain is not operating at it’s full capacity, so we tend to act without thinking when intoxicated. This can lead people to doing things they later regret, like sleeping with someone when they otherwise wouldn’t, or engaging in unsafe sex. There is nothing wrong with casual sex or having sex when you want to, if that is what you want. But it is hard to make informed or wise decisions for ourselves when under the influence, which is why I encourage mindful alcohol consumption when dating.
4. Know your non-negotiables
Just like it’s important to know your values and what you want in a partner, it’s equally as important to know what your dealbreakers and non-negotiables are in a partner. For example, if you absolutely want kids, then a dealbreaker would be someone who knows they do not want kids. If you definitely want someone who is emotionally attuned and great at communicating, you want to look for signs that reflect that this person can express what they feel in a healthy and effective way.
Knowing your dealbreakers can help ensure that you won’t spend valuable time investing in someone that doesn’t meet your needs, or is not aligned with your vision of a partnership. Also — there is a difference between preferences and needs. We can compromise on our preferences — like maybe you would prefer someone who is super neat and tidy, but if they meet all (or most) of your values, this is something you can let slide. Will it be annoying? Probably. But all couples have perpetual problems, so we’ve got to decide what’s worth letting go of. Our needs on the other hand are the traits and values we can be picky with. If we don’t get our needs met in a relationship, we won’t feel fulfilled or satisfied in the long run.
5. Have an open mind when dating
If you commit to having an open mind when it comes to dating and meeting new people, you’ll find opportunities to learn something new on every date you go on (whether about yourself or someone else). Modern and online dating can be an enjoyable process, even when it feels like you aren’t getting the outcome you want just yet. If you see a date as an opportunity to learn something new (rather than focusing on the potential outcome of every date — which is to find your partner), you can easily achieve that goal. This can help manage expectations and not get too bent out of shape if a date doesn’t sweep you off your feet.
If you don’t find your person from that date, you can still walk away with something of value. If you can just identify one thing that you learned from that person or yourself on that date, then it wasn’t a waste of time. Every date where you learn something new is leaving you that much closer to finding the right person — because either you know yourself just a little more deeply than before, or you’ve identified another value or need from that date. And if you were able to experience a new restaurant or bar you hadn’t tried out yet, that’s great too!
6. Give Yourself Breaks When Needed
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “I downloaded bumble/hinge again”. It makes sense. When we feel defeated again and again from dating, it’s natural to just want to give up and disappear off the apps. It’s perfectly fine (and healthy) to give yourself space from dating every once in a while, and re-channel your energy towards yourself. Focusing on your own goals and allowing yourself to enjoy your own company is an incredibly valuable way to spend your time. And when you are ready to get back out there (or re-download the dating apps), try not to overexert yourself too much. Learning how to spend time alone and focus on yourself is just as important to putting yourself out there.
7. Enjoy The Process of Dating
Time spent single is really one of the best opportunities to get to know yourself, turn inward, and gain clarity on your goals and your vision for the future. This is a time where you get to be selfish, focus on what you want, and have more time and space to commit to your own process of growth (whether that be personal or career related). I recommend using this time to better understand yourself, examine your family of origin impact/attachment style, nurture your close relationships with family and friends, say yes to new opportunities, and truly enjoy living in the present moment. This should not be a period of “waiting”, but rather a period of committing to yourself. This is the perfect time to become the healthiest version of yourself so that you can (eventually) attract a relationship that is rooted in your value system.
If you find that you consistently engage in unhealthy patterns when it comes to dating, therapy can help! Who we attract and find ourselves in relationships with is often an unconscious pattern that is re-enacted based on past wounds (whether from childhood or past romantic relationships). Examining your relationship history can be incredibly valuable for intentionally dating. If you are looking for a therapist in Houston or anywhere in Texas, feel free to explore my website to see if we might be a good fit to work together. I specialize in women navigating quarter-life, relationships, and anxiety. You can book a free 15 minute consultation with me through my contact page.
