Supporting Yourself Through Heartbreak
Break ups can feel devastating, confusing, depressing, and relieving all at once. Our mind and body are now wrestling with a new reality where this person (& attachment figure) is no longer a part of our story. And it can be one of the most painful experiences. The loss of a partner actually has a physical impact on our brain, and is very similar to that of withdrawing from an addictive substance. Our brain is now readjusting to this loss, which can lead to actual physical aches and gut-wrenching pain. It’s truly unbearable.
Most of us who have been through heartbreak know it doesn’t get any easier with experience. Not only are we grieving the loss of this person, but we find ourselves grieving past memories, as well as the future we had anticipated with this person.
There are methods we can use to cope with heartbreak that can either hinder or support/accelerate our healing process, but the ultimate thing that will heal us is… time. Which sucks, because you can’t cheat time. You can’t fast forward your way through the pain that comes with profound loss. You just have to feel it and move through it. It really sucks. But when we overcome devastating & harsh experiences, we can become stronger. We can become more resilient, more humble, and hold more wisdom than we had before. When you are able to pick yourself up from rock bottom and hold yourself with care and compassion, it can be incredibly empowering to know that you are able to take care of yourself. And you are stronger and more capable than you ever imagined.
Now you are faced with this new reality of figuring out how to be on your own again. It can be incredibly challenging to navigate a break up, but once you get to the other side of heartbreak, you can be free to fully experience (and love) your life again. But how exactly do you get there?
Healing With Time
I know I said before it takes time (cliche, but it’s true). But it’s really what we do with that time that matters. I will give some insights throughout this post into what can be helpful as you navigate this new reality of being single, and trying to move on from someone you may have thought was your “forever”. What can be really important during the initial stage of grief & loss is how you think about time.
Nothing in life — especially feelings — is permanent. This is all temporary. This will all pass. When we are in the midst of suffering, it can be our natural instinct to grasp onto the idea that it will never end. This thought is entirely untrue. You must remind your brain to stay out of the mindset of “permanence”. Reiterate to yourself every single day that this is temporary, this will pass, and it is only a matter of time and healing.
It can also be helpful to envision yourself one year from today. Maybe even 6 months from today. How do you imagine you will feel? Do you think you will still be suffering from this heartache? Probably not. Envision where you would like to be, and all the possibilities of what is to come, including experiences of joy, happiness, and fulfillment.
Challenge Unhelpful & Intrusive Thoughts
Speaking of thoughts…it’s crucial to be mindful of any unhelpful thought patterns that come up during this process. I often hear people voicing thoughts such as, “I will be alone forever”, “I will never find another person to be with”, or “I am doomed to die alone”. Begin to challenge these thoughts by asking yourself “Is this a helpful or unhelpful thought?”, “How true is this really?”, and “What evidence do I have to support this thought?”. Many of these thoughts are purely fear based, and are highly unlikely to actually happen. We also just can’t predict the future in any way, and dwelling on potential scenarios will get you nowhere. It’s far more productive to think about the present moment, and what you need right now based on how you are feeling.
Many people have a tendency to idealize the past relationship or their ex after they have lost them. Suddenly, you aren’t thinking about all of the negative parts of the relationship, but rather romanticizing what you had and only focusing on the good times. It’s important to remind yourself of the reality of what was — the big picture, and why this relationship came to an end (whether it was your decision or not). Maybe it’s not helpful to only focus on the negative parts, but it certainly isn’t helpful to only focus on the positive parts. Allow yourself to hold both — positive and negative, to stay rooted in reality, which holds both the emotions and the logic.
When it comes to our thought patterns, awareness and self-compassion are critical. Self-compassion includes the reminder that we are not alone in our human suffering. This can be quite comforting, because we acknowledge that others have endured and survived heartbreak as well. We also know there are other people in the world currently in the thick of their grief, and that we aren’t the only ones navigating the complexity of these emotions. You might try imagining someone you admire, (this can be a real person, such as someone you know, or am imagined person, like a celebrity), who went through a divorce or break up, and is now living life in a way that reflects their healing & growth (or maybe they are also currently going through a break up, and coping in a very healthy way). This can work as an internal resource to instill feelings of hope — and a reminder that you too, will make it through.
Don’t Just Cope — Cope Well
There are unhealthy and healthy ways of coping. We’ve all had that friend (or even done this ourselves) who goes out binge drinking, has a one night stand, or engages in destructive behaviors in an attempt to escape or numb the pain. Honestly, this can work…but only temporarily. In the long term, it usually make things worse and only prolongs the suffering.
If you want to actually heal (and sooner rather than later), you need to cope in ways that allow for healthy expression and processing of your emotions. This means not denying, suppressing, or minimizing your emotions for extended periods of time. Of course, most people have to get out of bed, go to work/school, and continue living their life in some form. Suppressing emotions by compartmentalizing can actually help us get through the day. But we still want to allow for the release of the emotions that we will inevitably experience.
I recommend maintaining a balance of coping skills that support healthy distraction, such as exercise, social time, work, etc, as well as coping skills that allow yourself to process whatever comes up (rather than suppress), such as journaling, listening to music, crying, therapy, etc.
Sometimes coping is doing exactly what you feel like doing (like laying in bed, watching movies, & ordering Uber Eats), and sometimes coping is doing the opposite of what you feel like doing (such as getting out of the house, being around friends/family, exercising, focusing on work, etc). I recommend checking in with yourself consistently, and asking yourself what you need based on how you feel. Therapy can be especially helpful during this time.
No Contact Method
It’s often easier than done… but the “no contact method” is usually recommended. And for good reason — it actually works. By giving yourself legitimate space from your ex, you are allowing yourself to begin the process of grieving them. Keeping in contact with them, or engaging in an “on and off again” dynamic, will only prolong the grieving process. Your brain has to come to terms with losing an attachment figure, and keeping in contact will not allow your brain the necessary processing and restructuring it needs to move forward.
While no contact is initially the hardest thing to do, in the end it makes the process easier. Something that might feel seemingly small or insignificant today, can compound and have a domino effect as you move forward (i.e. sending that late night “I miss you” text will likely keep you in your grief longer). Think about what behaviors might keep you stuck, and what behaviors (or lack of) might help you move forward. Usually, this includes not keeping in contact with an ex.
I do recognize there might be some situations where this just isn’t possible — for instance, if you are still living with your ex. In this case, you just need to do what you can with what you have. Because it is a temporary, and likely somewhat uncomfortable situation, you might focus more on implementing certain boundaries, or working on emotion regulation and self-care during this time. Your grief process may be a bit delayed as your brain isn’t able to fully register the separation that is to come. Or, your grieving process may have begun long ago, as you unconsciously accepted that the relationship was over. Whatever the case, I recommend thinking about what boundaries and practices will be most helpful to you during this time.
Social Media Boundaries
Boundaries on social media are so necessary after a break up. Everyone has their own method of going about this, but you really want to make the choice that supports your overall well-being and mental health. For many, this looks like unfollowing/unfriending their ex on social media. I’ve heard people say that they worry about how this might come across to the other person. It’s completely valid if you don’t want to come off as cruel, harsh, or petty, but this is a time where you can put your needs first. This is a boundary you are allowed to set for yourself. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. If you decide, at the end of the day, that it is unhelpful to continue seeing what your ex is doing (likely, it’s not helping), then set the boundary.
And try to resist the urge to check their social media from a friend’s account (I know, it can be tempting). It may satisfy a craving in the moment, but it will not support your healing process in the long term, and eventually, you might come across something that you’d just rather not see (& don’t need to).
Meaning Making
David Kessler is a grief expert who has committed years of doing research on grief and loss. He’s discovered one stage of grief that we’ve overlooked before. Many of us are familiar with the five stages of grief — denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. He has uncovered and shared about the sixth stage of grief, which he calls “meaning making”.
Kessler gave examples in his book (Finding Meaning: The sixth stage of grief) about many people who lost loved ones, and how they were able to fully heal from their tragedies and heartbreak. They eventually created some form of meaning out of the loss, whether this was offering hope & compassion to others, starting impactful organizations, or reframing their perspective on the loss. I love the quote by Kessler — “The meaning is not in the loss. The meaning is in you and how you carry the loss”.
When we lose someone we love, we can eventually create meaning in what we do moving forward. This is obviously not easy in the beginning, when most of us would just rather not experience the heartbreak in the first place. It’s absolutely okay if you are just not there yet — it can take many months, or years, to even accept a loss, let alone find meaning in it.
For me, personally, every time I go through a hardship or obstacle in life, I hold on to the belief that this will make me a better person than before, that I will be able to help people in a deeper way than I had before, and have greater empathy for their suffering because I myself have now experienced it. That is my meaning.
When it comes to break ups, often times the meaning is gaining a new perspective, and becoming more conscious of your needs so that you can move forward with more clarity. You are closing the door on something that was no longer working, and by doing this, you are opening the door to new possibility. This is a new start — a fresh beginning — and with that comes opportunity. You are saying “no” to something, so that you can say “yes” to what is meant for you. And you are the only one that can decide what the meaning here is for you.
One day at a time…
Your brain isn’t always going to make sense to you. Grief is complicated, messy, and not linear. There may be days, weeks, or months, where you feel absolutely fine, and then the grief takes you under again. But as time passes, it won’t take you under as often. And soon it won’t be as intense as it is now. It just takes time.
Remind yourself that you are not alone, and that you will get through to the other side. Be sure to enforce boundaries and coping skills that work well for you. And take it one day at a time — maybe even just one moment at a time. And who knows… one day soon, you’ll laugh again. You’ll smile again. You will start to feel like yourself again, and life will start to feel like your life again (maybe even better). And you’ll look back and think, wow, I really am stronger than I ever thought possible.
>> If you’re having an especially hard time coping with your grief, therapy can help. A grief-informed therapist can help you navigate heartbreak and implement healthy coping skills to better manage your emotions. If you are looking for a therapist in Houston or anywhere in Texas, you can book a free 15 minute consultation through my contact page.
